My Asperger's Self

I have referred to myself as having Asperger traits. There are plenty of sites that describe the syndrome; there's really no need to rehash it (I even linked to the Wiki article for a nice jumpoff point of you're interested). I don't think I ever actually discussed why I think I have it, though.

Asperger's isn't something that you can test for in a blood test. It isn't something you can diagnose from a CAT scan or a DNA test. There's no physical symptoms to it; you see me walking down the street and you'll probably not suspect that's what's wrong with me. It's a spectrum disorder and much like being paranoid, you get evaluated by professionals and they will figure out if you have enough of the characteristics to declare that you have the disorder in question. At least, for now...as more research is being done maybe someday it will be as easy as a DNA or MRI scan to diagnose the disorder.

As part of the bariatric surgery requirements for my insurance company I had to start seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. I discussed with him my concerns about having these traits, and he in my last session said that I have many of the traits and may very well have this disorder, perhaps a very subtle or mild form of it.

What I've noticed, plucked from a list from wikipedia that was linked above...

Aspergers and related spectrum disorders tend to appear in early childhood. I have always had these issues stretching back as far as I can remember.

Social impairments...I tend to overlook social cues. Understanding people is very difficult for me. I try to hide it at times by playing it off as the usual jokes such as how no guy can possibly understand women; underneath I have problems understanding people's motivations and behavior beyond the analytical evaluations. The more irrational you act, the more agitated I get.

I think I tend to avoid eye contact with people unless I'm analyzing you. Sounds creepy writing it so plainly like this; but often, if I'm looking you in the eye it's because I'm trying to figure out what you're talking about, I'm analyzing you, or I'm desperately trying to beam my thoughts directly into your brain. Otherwise, you bother me and I'm probably looking at something more visually interesting in the room.

I tend to be very pedantic in my speech. I irritate my wife with this...she thinks she's speaking clearly, I have no clue what the hell she's talking about because her word choice is quite vague or open to interpretation.

I use to flap my hands. I don't know how to describe it other than being a soothing feeling. My wife was irritated at it and insisted I stop so eventually I did.

I have to check some things repeatedly in order to imprint it on my memory that it's done, such as checking that the fridge is closed. This may have been exacerbated by having a teenager and a toddler in the house and I don't trust them to actually close it up when they're done, but I still check it two or three times when leaving the house. I also check doors and the stove. As a kid I would have a nightly check of my home making sure doors and windows were all closed.

I don't adapt well to change; my wife tends to wait to the last minute to make plans or flies by the seat of her pants. It agitates and frustrates me. I hate not knowing what's going on, and more often than not it ends up being a point of contention for us.

I need order. Another item that adds friction to the marriage...I prefer having certain things in order, or a place for everything and everything in it's place. My wife prefers putting something down and coming back to it much later...I can't see how or why her things are ordered the way she does it, and it causes anxiety for me, especially in spaces that in my mind are "shared space". This is simply the way my mind is wired. I try to work around it by creating pockets of order that are more or less just my things, my way of ordering things.

I tend to follow a set of ritual behavior. My day is usually pretty much mapped out. If something is very different it can cause me quite a bit of agitation to work around mentally.

I tend to have a limited focus on my interests. I like technical things, I can tell you obscure information about warp drives and computer viruses. My best friends are technology.

People wear me out. Interacting with people drains my energy, I recharge my mental batteries by being alone or with close friends only. This, of course, makes me rather...techy. I get short tempered with people that agitate me for small reasons when coupled with the stress that comes from having to interact with...tolerate...other people.

I have trouble with certain sounds and movements. For example: I cannot stand the sound of snoring. I become visibly agitated if I hear it even in a movie for more than three seconds. I also can't stand it when I see people "twisting" their feet; my wife does this all the time and I always ask her to stop. I cannot ignore it. It draws my eye immediately and becomes an immediate focus and almost physically hurts me to see, and I start wanting to just...reach out and break the foot if I could. I've never acted out on such impulses but it sometimes scares me to think of what would happen if I ever suffer some kind of brain injury or dementia where impulse control is muted; will I ever act on that impulse? Even thinking about seeing a food twisting around and back and forth makes me squirm in my seat. Sometimes I think my wife continues to do this on purpose to punish me or irritate me when she's mad for something I did that unknowingly wronged her...crazy thoughts? Maybe. But I still have them.

I also can't stand it when people chew with their mouths open. Gum chewers especially. Makes me want to ship them to Singapore for caning. I know someone whose jaw clicks when he eats and he likes to pop the cartilage in his chest, both of which drives me BATTY. I can't stand to be near him while eating.

I can't even stand to hear myself chew. I need white noise or distractions around me all the time to try to alleviate my focusing on such things...fans, the TV...something.

I'm probably forgetting some issues. Maybe I'll edit the post later, maybe I'll just ignore them if I think of them later, I don't know. These are the ones that stand out in my mind at the moment. I do know that for many people seeing this they'll think that this is not really a problem, or they don't understand why I don't just ignore XYZ. Foot twisting? Really? Yes, really. I'm wired in such a way that I cannot ignore it. I've tried. Believe me, after so many sleepless nights hearing my father snore as I grew up I tried whatever I could to ignore such things or cope. It just doesn't work. Just as some people are wired to be energized by social interaction, I'm wired to have the quirks I've listed above.

This is one of those things that unless you experience it, I don't know if you can understand it. At least not fully. Today I just try to cope and maybe reserve a sliver of hope that the psychologist can help me find a way to manage my "quirks" better...