Lost in Thoughts on Portions, Emotional State

I am in an unusual place right now. I had a checkup with my surgeon today, and I'm just replaying in my head that conversation along with what I had previously understood from other information, sources, meetings with nutritionists (current and previous)...

The fact is that people are different in their reaction to this kind of surgery. So there is no clear-cut answer. My obsessive personality is coming up with two stumbling blocks in this journey. I keep asking for such answers, and their are none. I need one though. I need it spelled out. I need clear- cut guidelines.

The first is, how much do I eat?

I previously thought I was to find what was tolerable, to get in touch with my stomach's feedback, to realize when I was "full". I have been experimenting a little on that front. I am starting to find an amount where I start to feel some discomfort, and quit eating. I never packed more than a cup of food into my lunch/breakfast container (and since solid foods aren't usually a liquid form, even if you "filled" the container it was less than a cup by volume).

My wife said that, no, it was less than that that I was supposed to have. Only a half cup at most.

So, have I been screwing this up the whole time?

Stretching the stomach pouch? Ruining everything I've suffered a month for?

The second...if the food amount is only a quarter to half cup, what is the use in dirtying dishes and silverware and bothering to make anything? The leftovers, the waste, the effort...in my mind, just not worth it. I was told not to skip meals but it seems to be such a waste, and I am having a lot of trouble getting over this mental stumbling block justifying the work on making food that I'll essentially be barely doing anything wish. The time and effort would be better left to doing whatever would have been interrupted getting the meal in the first place.

Overall it just makes me depressed. The situation just makes me plain frustrated. Am I supposed to be trusting the body and trying to figure out, relearn, how the body is supposed to work so I'm eating and acting in a more normal manner? Doing that seems to be incorrect...the surgeon wants me eating essentially what fits into a dixie cup. Fixing food that fits in a dixie cup is hardly worth the time it takes to fix something. So why bother?

I guess there's some block in my head that says it would simply be better if I did nothing instead of wasting the effort in making a sandwich just to refrigerate three-quarters of it, and have another quarter later for another meal, and maybe another quarter that night. And have one left over for breakfast or end up throwing it out.

Another part of me tells me that this is temporary, these thoughts. I simply have to adjust. These thoughts that I'm dwelling on are simply another stage before acceptance and adapting.

It's the other voice that bothers me. The other voice tells me things like, "You stretched the pouch." "You screwed up again." "Another attempt to lose weight and you blew it."

So which voice is right? Or is it a mix of both? The rational feeds me some self-serving forgiveness, telling me to accept and adapt and move on. The emotional side tells me that...well, I said what it tells me.

I suppose these swirling thoughts have to be simply meditated on, so to speak. Tomorrow I'll hopefully find more of a rational place from which to approach this situation.