Psychological Changes I've Noticed So Far

This has been a rough weekend. Not only am I recovering from the surgery, but my wife's family...an additional 9 people...are staying at our home for Easter. It's a cramped fit, but surprisingly enough, it seems that a few Percoset makes the house seem a lot more spacey. Or maybe it just makes me seem more spacey. Either way while many others out there would just scoff and counter with stories about their own family having thirty brothers and sisters, my situation of having my two kids, wife, and her 9 family members, plus my own family that aren't staying with us but will be coming up for the dinner itself, is a large number number of people for this single-child with a problem socializing.

On the plus side it does help me in that it offers some introspection on my relationship with food as it now stands. My wife speculated that food was an emotional crutch. It was a comfort. My friend. I wouldn't disagree, but I didn't think that was the reason I loved eating so much; it may have been part of the reason but not necessarily the primary reason. I couldn't really verify it to any degree because I couldn't separate the urges of eating from the mental reflex of eating at my habitual mealtimes and the actual hunger signaling when it's time to eat, and how these interact (or didn't interact) to tell me when it's time to stop eating.

After the operation, almost immediately after the surgery, I no longer had the urge to eat. I was told many post-ops have that happen to them, but it's one of those things that you can't understand without experiencing it.

My entire day revolved around food schedules. Usually it was dinner, breakfast, lunch, snack, maybe even close to bedtime snack meals. After moving to a schedule of tracking all my calories shoveled into me, I was even more focused on mealtimes. I would schedule out what I was going to eat and when when I woke up...I knew what I was going to fix, what I needed, whether we had it in the fridge, and approximate calorie counts before getting the exact numbers from entering it into the website.

Since the operation I have lost my sense of time. I feel like I could eat, but I don't really have the urge to do so...I look at the clock and am surprised to see it's one or two in the afternoon. Or it's pitch black outside and I haven't thought of making a dinner. If you have experienced losing time, you may be able to relate...only now I have it happen 24 hours a day. I am only mostly aware of night and morning because I'm either very tired or not tired enough to go back to sleep.

My wife's family is far more traditional with meals than we are. They tend to use dishes that require washing instead of our paper plate meals. They sit down for meals at a table. We use trays. You can get the picture. Tonight, they had some sort of pizza dinner. It smelled fantastic, and I enjoyed the smell of barbecue sauce and chicken and the pizza dough. But I didn't have an urge to share some of their meal. Maybe it was the Percoset but it didn't bother me in the least that my dinner was a cup of milk and some painkillers with a jug of water while they were feasting on various pizzas.

What does this mean? I wondered how much of my eating was habitual...it's dinner time, I need it. It's lunch time, I need lunch. Apparently this isn't a driving force any more.

I can smell delicious food and I enjoy the smell, but it isn't triggering an urge to eat it.

I apparently had some impulse-eating issues; I have had thoughts about eating a couple goldfish crackers or stealing a quick piece of popcorn from my wife's bowl, but so far immediately catch myself when the thought occurs to me; I can't eat that now or I'll risk intense pain and vomiting as my stomach is healing. And there's no "gosh darnit this is unfair" thoughts when I tell myself I can't have the items in question.

I sat here thinking maybe I could have a snack tonight of milk or broth. I eventually decided it was more effort to get it than to just wait until tomorrow to have something. I was happy with my water.

At this point two things occur to me. First is that this has future ramifications emotionally. The second is that this could all be part of the bariatric surgery honeymoon, a period of time where there are specific changes involving feelings and adjustment during the period of time where the patient loses the vast majority of the excess weight.

Only time will tell about the effects of the second one. This could be temporary. It might be permanent. Every person has different reactions to surgery like this and it'll entirely depend on my physiology to find out how I'm going to react.

The first one, emotional effects...this is only one aspect of my "new self" that I will explore as time goes on. But I have heard of post-ops encountering social issues due to no longer feeling the urges to eat as most others do. People...normals and overweight alike...use meals as a time to commune with each other. It's a time of sharing. And during this mealtime with the family I was very much aware that I wasn't part of the group. I watched a TV show ( Deadliest Catch I believe) while they ate several slices of pizza and foodstuffs from bowls. I could smell it (I need to ask if smell becomes more acute or if it's imagined) and I liked the smell, but really didn't need to go sneak a bite. This can lead to feelings of isolation and not fitting in...not that this is necessarily an alien feeling to someone who is overweight, but in this case getting my own bag of Reese's Pieces or plate of pizza stacked high to snarf down isn't an emotionally satisfying alternative.

This is but one small part of the emotional changes I'm told I may get to experience. It will contribute to the emotional roller coasters...as the body adjusts to not having the food and dealing with the loss of my friend food as an emotional crutch and reacting to how people react to me if and when things start to change physically. I read that there are days where the post-op patient will just suddenly start breaking down in tears like a bipolar sufferer. I haven't had this happen yet; I told my wife that there are times where I may be very grouchy or emotional and she being the supportive nurturing person she is replied, "So, no different from usual?"

Again, only time will tell of the effects all this will have on me, but so far this is what I've noticed. I thought that the scheduling of the surgery was extremely unfortunate..."I am going home for recovery over Easter? Easter with peanut butter filled white chocolate eggs? And the gluttonous ham dinner? And rolls with tasty tasty butter? Oh man!" As it stands I don't really care about the dinner.

I am touched, though, that my father in law made jello eggs split in half with what appears to be lemon or orange jello scrambled and placed carefully on the halves, saying "I made you some deviled eggs for Easter Dinner!" I'm looking forward to having one or two of them. But I think the plate of them will be lasting awhile unless other people take them as well.

It'll be interesting to find out how Thanksgiving will change for me.