Moods and Patience

I have to say that even though I try to keep busy I end up feeling down at times here. Part of my problem, no doubt, is that I dwell on things that I either can't help or am having problems wrapping my head around.

For one, I have a staple sticking out of me. I tried for a few minutes to pull it free, but I'm not sure how it's bent under the skin and it ends up catching as I maneuver it around; it doesn't help that I'm squeamish with the idea of doing this so close to a giant exposed clot. I got frustrated and just re-covered everything with dressings. I didn't sit down specifically to pull the staple out. I sat down to change the dressing because it looked a little bloodier than the past ones were, so I may end up changing dressings three or four times instead of the usual two times. I have a staple sticking out of me and my dressings are bleeding a bit more. I can't help but sigh at the situation. Or cry. I'm trying to choose sigh.

Second, I am planning on returning to work Monday. I will be on light desk duty so there's not much moving around involved and I warned my boss (who seemed to be agreeable to the idea) that I can't come in wearing clothes that I probably should be wearing since I am still kind of "leaking" from my wound so I'm avoiding constricting the site with a belt and dockers. But it marks a return to the grind. I won't even be having solid foods yet so my stamina is on the low side. The very thought of it is stressful. But I don't have infinite sick days, I still have more appointments to go to and will need hours off, and I can't put off going back forever. This job and the environment stresses me out so much...

Third, I tried a programming project, but I'm as green as grass at getting things to work properly or even map out what I'm trying to do. I eventually became frustrated with trying to figure out how to do one seemingly simple function and because this is a niche language, I could not find much in terms of reference material to help in finding a solution. I posted the question to the mailing list specific to that language and closed the development environment. Part of the problem is probably that I'm not a programmer by trade. I really wish I had moved more into that track than system administration sometimes. So now I get ideas, I start working on them, I get frustrated and close the IDE out intending to come back later and finish it, but find excuses not to. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too stupid to figure these things out.

Fourth...I keep thinking I should try writing a story. I start mapping out a storyline in my head, but then I stall. Should I just try writing and see what happens? Should I wait until I can come up with a complete outline to follow? Mur Lafferty from I Should Be Writing fame often advises new writers to "Write, just write. You can't be a writer if you don't write," as well as, "You're allowed to suck." Okay, those are paraphrases. But basically I think there's a fear in me that if I tried and failed miserably I'll have wasted so much time and effort. Or worse, I'll discover something else I suck at. I'll validate my fear.

So two things I think I'd like to try moving into as a possible career moves...programming and writing...I'll confirm I suck at. On the other hand if I sit here and continue not to do anything I'll end up sitting in my coffin having achieved nothing more than sitting in the rut I'm currently riding along in.

And whenever I start to feel bad about these things, I look down and see that dark red wound in my stomach, or sometimes I catch a whiff of dried blood on my bandages reminding me why I'm sitting home alone with a neurotic dog and growing more frustrated that I'm so obese that my loose skin won't even keep the bandages where I originally placed them; I bandage the area with the blood clot while sitting on the edge of the bed, they're covered. I stand up, and suddenly the wound is half-exposed.

Which, of course, makes me more depressed.

I need to achieve something. I need a feeling of accomplishment. As it stands, I'm sitting here with partial projects that lose their way, alone most of the day with my thoughts. I don't know what kick in the pants I need but I need to find it.