Progress Since Surgery...

A lot has changed since my initial surgery. I know it's been only a little over two months since the big event but it seems as if things are starting to level out a little, or at least get into a groove.

Right now I'm exercising on a recumbent stationary bike a lot more. It's nicer weather out, but I've been more consistent with the stationary bike and can track miles, calories, etc. more easily. Maybe I should look at getting a new stationary bike more than a new recumbent outdoor bike...probably costs about the same. The one I have now though hurts my butt after half an hour.

I've noticed that my butt hurts more after sitting anyway. Feels almost like I'm sitting on bone despite knowing I have plenty of padding there. What's up with that??

My wound in the incision area looks to be closed up; I can carry weight and move around better. I still feel tenderness there and have a weird grinding sensation if I move wrong. I try not to worry about it.

I'm taking 9 pills in the morning and 2 at night. Most are supplements for diet. Some are prescription. I'm hoping to find a way to cut down on those in coming months.

I can buckle a seatbelt and fit into the shower. You skinny normals take that for granted.

I'm probably going to need a trip to the thrift shop or salvation army soon to see if they have some pants that won't fall down when I put my wallet and keys in the pocket.

I don't watch the food network obsessively like I did directly after the surgery. I think part of that was the fascination I developed with the weird sensation of hunger divorced from eating. It's hard to describe unless you feel it, which you wouldn't unless you had the surgery. I don't recommend having the surgery just to feel that way though.

I'm feeling...strange at times. It's difficult to cope with some of the emotional changes. I feel very tired at times. I have moments of depression, unexplained sadness. I resent people for reasons I can't fully understand, angry at them if I feel I'm treated differently because I'm the same as I was when rotund but suddenly losing weight makes me more..."normal" to them? I feel as if I'm wearing a disguise now. Being fat gave you a different identity, losing weight has people seeing you as a different person. But I'm not. Now I hate you for treating me that way. You wouldn't believe some of the cursing that goes through my inner dialog when I see this or...sometimes...I project it onto perfect strangers for just looking at me in a particular way. Weird.

I am fascinated by the weird sinews and ropes slithering under my skin on my arms. I guess I'm just seeing more muscle that was hiding under the fat layers. Sometimes it freaks me out. It just doesn't look right, like I'm looking at someone else's body but I'm controlling it. Other times I'm feeling hopeless from the developing batwings, as if I'm melting slowly with flesh-colored sludge under my arms and my gut. Some tell me it's a good sign and I should be happy. Instead I feel like a basset hound.

I'm...alien. I'm in a body that's not mine. It really bothers me...before I avoided mirrors because I was the Human Juggernaut, an obese freak with stretch marks. Then I avoided them because I had holes and freakish purple bruises around the incision was lined with metal staples tugging at the skin. I was deathly afraid I'd sneeze and my intestines would spew straight out and honk like a party favor. Now I'm avoiding mirrors because I'm melting, a skeleton trapped in an oversized flesh bag that swings and wobbles of it's own accord. I feel like the same person but I don't look like the person I'm used to being.

I have more people asking how I'm doing and how my progress has been. I feel bad because I rarely remember the statistics, and I'm never quite sure what to say other than thank-you. My life is currently focused largely on food...measuring it, watching it, studying more about nutrition...and I know it drives my wife nuts at times. She has no idea how much it drives me nuts. But I'm an Asperger boy...the drive, the need for pattern, for understanding, it's something that both keeps me on track and drives me to agitation.

My meals at this point, over two months out, are usually limited to 6 ounces at most. I measure it out on a kitchen scale when I pack them. I chew carefully, swallow, and as long as it doesn't hurt or feel uncomfortable I'm guessing I'm doing okay. I measure the six ounces out because that means that I won't go over that. I always placed a limit on 8, I've trimmed it to 6, and today my meals for breakfast and lunch are around 5.5 ounces, and if I feel any urge that I'm full or done I throw away the leftovers. Again these meals haven't been causing pains or problems, and from my understanding I'm okay with this setup unless the dietitian yells at me. I also have some peanuts, not a lot of course, usually before exercising on the bike. Just a few in the hand and chewed until almost peanut butter in my mouth.

I guess a lot of people eat until they feel pain or are full and use that as an indicator of how much they can eat. I'm trying to measure it out and limit my intake, period, so that even if I could eat more I don't. I'm hoping this works. I appear to be losing weight still so...take it as you will. I don't usually feel hungry after the meal. I guess it's so far so good.

Gatherings can be tough to deal with. I was just at a dinner where everyone else had big plates of pasta and meat and gravy, a bowl of salad, rolls...my plate was quite sparse in comparison. I felt like the little model that eats a bird's helping of grass and says, "Oh, no, thank you...I'm full." I was quiet obviously not fitting in. But here I suppose my introverted nature is a plus in my favor. I don't fit in but I don't rely on social situations quite as much as most other people rely on them for validation of themselves, so I was sad to feel so isolated but at the same time it wasn't a crushing blow to my ego. Just something to deal with and move on, I suppose.

So that's my progress at this point. It's been one heckuva ride...I guess it's not over yet, though.